Infy “Rocks” :P

The past four months here have been nothing less than legendary. I have learned almost a billion things here. No, I m not talking about bunking conferences or feigning sickness or talking for hours on the phone, four years of DA-IICT already made me a pro as far as such sincere things are concerned. Nor am I eligible enough to talk about my escapades in the field of software engineering. For every line of code that I write, there are atleast 4 lines of error that the compiler throws, and for every line of code that I do not write, there are atleast 40 lines of garbled messages that my boss throws. Infact as mentioned somewhere in its monthly bulletin issue, Infosys is thinking about paying a thousand dollars to anyone who is willing to buy me dead or alive. But even if such a possibility arises, I know the only possible odd for me being able to leave infy is me buying myself. Jab Kareena Kapoor apni favourite ho sakti hai toh yaar main toh apnaa favourite ho hi saktaa hoon :P

Okayy arpit stop stop…weren’t u supposed to talk about the things u have learnt about..seriously, u can blabber nonsensically for hours. And now don’t u start talking about how infy has helped you to understand zoology better.By the way, Zoology and a software company!! Well yeah, Infy has actually made me understand the intricacies of the human brain better. Now I know that the brain is a wonderful organ with extra ordinary sensors. It starts working the moment u get up in the morning, or sometime even late in the afternoon, and doesn’t stop working until you get into the office. Kudos God..u intelligent u!!

Besides all the crap mentioned above, I have learnt to live life the Infy way. And then I have modified the infy way of life to come up with some golden rules. To start with, I always arrive late at the office, but then I make up for my unpunctuality by leaving early. And then as bosses are, the moment they stare at u, the best thing to do is to give them a super duper wide smile. See boss, even if you don’t have a beautiful daughter my age, I am still being soooo nice to you. So while their ulterior motive might be to subject you to Chinese torture, the only thing the boss can do is to helplessly smile back at you. And if reading my fairy tale, makes u wince, that your job/boss is much tougher, lemme clarify that playing CS all day with just 5-6 30 minutes coffee breaks and a short 3 hour lunch break can be really really tough and demanding. And if that’s not enough, abiding by the Infosys quality standards can be all the more challenging.

Talking about the Infosys quality standards, as a friend says, all we find here is extremely well manicured lawns, roads cleaned with tooth brushes, cycles oiled using Johnson's baby oil, unwanted shrubs shaved by Gillette Mac3(the best a grass can get!!), buildings painted sparkling white with pepsodent ultra whitening toothpaste and signs reading "Don't Horn !! Techies at work" three miles away from the workplace. Moreover, in case some one parks a vehicle even just a millimeter away from the parking area, the next thing one gets to know is that all sorts of viruses have inflicted his computer. Truely world class they call it!!

If that’s not enough, while, mineral water is used to maintain the sprawling loans and roads, recycled water is deemed fit for human consumption. Perhaps this explains the large number of gastro-entrits cases on campus ;) And oh my god, I forgot to mention about Infy’s visionary power and if they use it well to surge ahead, they use it better to block websites . As it should have been(or so I think ;) ), all porn sites are blocked, but then infy being the visionary it is, it takes in to consideration the probability that other companies might use porn to attract its employees and so even www.naukri.com (along with the porn sites) is blocked. Moreover, the strict scrutiny measures here deserve a special mention. The security guards are the most ubiquitous thing on campus and each one of them is equipped with X-RAY goggles to enable them to view everything…well not literally..actually almost everything, till the pocket of your underwear. And then to top it all, the management is now thinking of integrating GPS in the employees’ id-card, so as to keep a tab on the time they spend in the rest room. As mind-blowing and out of the world as infy..isnt it!!

And before I continue to blabber and run the risk of issuing a “non-conditional” apology to my boss, as I have already done it a thousand times, I think I better stop…but then Infy truly “rocks” :P

Mr. Bachchan and a Phone call

It was Pamba's phone call..and each time he calls, believe me, i expect something out of the ordinary..Last time, we were arguing if Federer was the greatest tennis player ever and then suddenly, he claimed to have won the argument. Not because i had failed on logic but simply because he thought that i was grammatically incorrect!! And then as a victory dance, he had gone on to proclaim that "Jhoom Baraabar Jhoom" would be a huge hit and so would be "Shootout at Lokhandwala"..the reason being that the two films boasted of a certain "Mr. Bachchan" leading the pack. Having read the reviews, and being such a sensible person that i am [;)] i didnt really agree with the hypothesis and offered him a bet worth the first salary either of us would be getting. And being the ardent Amitabh Bachchan fan(or so i thought), he was too happy to oblige. "He he Arpit...keep those 25 Grand ready..u labour hard for a month and i ll run away with the money..gud gud..poor u"

Needless to say, the two films didnt do well, so I had actually won. And here was his first phone call since then. I was expecting him to curse the audience and their "bad taste" and teach me some nuances about film making. But then with Pamba you never know..

"Hello.." I said
"Hello Arpit...how r u"
"Is that you Pamba, how come is the voice unusually clear today"
"Is it??"
"Yes it is...what happened to that damn Reliance phone of yours..u seem to be calling from the land line"
"Hmmm...welll...it's a long story Arpit"
"Ok..let it be..how have u been..remember u now owe me your first salary..courtesy your Mr. Bachchan" I said with a naughty smile
"Yeah..that Rascal!!"
"What!!!"I was totally stumped..till a few days back, this chap had been his hero
"That rascal has made me part away with my first salary"
"Oh..its ok Pamba"
"No!! Its not Ok!! He has not only "robbed" me of my money, but has been evading tax as well"
"Hmm..nd guess he has been violating the Foreign Exchange Maintenance Act (FEMA) too"
"Yeah..and not to forget the farmlands he bought..how on earth can he claim to be a farmer"
"Not to mention the endorsement 'Uttar Pradesh : Uttam Pradesh' claiming UP has a very low crime rate"I quipped
"Exactly!! Enough is Enough!!" He said raging
"I have my idols too..How can i continue to support him.." he went on to say
"What bullsh*t..your set of idols..where the hell were your 'idols' when you were extracting money from Dawood Ibrahim's mistresses' daughter" I managed to say
"Arpit, let bygones be bygones!I have decided to boycott all his movies and stuff and please don't ask me to think about it again! I will bring about a revolution. There would be thousands of others who would join me for this noble cause and together we ll teach Bachchan a lesson. And then i would give you an exclusive interview..so that finally your blog gets some readers"
"Oh..Pamba i would be so very very thankful to you"I said cheekily
"Keeing up with the boycott..the last few days have been a bit tough for me..but u see idols come first"
"Oh My God..is that the reason why you arent using the Reliance phone " I wondered
"Precisely and u know i have also quit those stupid chocolates which always gave me a feeling as if i was eating a can of worms"
"Cadbury..hmm..and what about that 'Parker' that u had forced me to 'gift' u"
"Well..i threw it in the dustbin"
"Pamba..i seriously dont believe this..how can u do that....u could have given it back to me"
"Come on Arpit, u should make sacrifices too.I have not been wearing my 'Reid and Taylor' suit to office. You know,I havent been to a restaurant for quite sometime courtsey the 'Pepsi' glow sign boards. No wonder, the breakfast isnt very tasty without the 'Amul Butter'. My digestion is on an all time low without the 'Hajmola' but then i want to teach this man a lesson "
"Are you really serious about all this" I had nothing better to say
"Well Arpit..my live-in partner has left..she wasn't finding me very energetic and advised me to continue with 'Dabur Chaywanprash'..How can i do tht!!You see,I can find an another live-in partner but not compromise on my principles"
"Waaah" I said
"My boss has been giving me a lot of headache for my disheveled looks, but u see, i cannot get my hair cut done as the barber also uses 'Navratan Tel' in his saloon"
"Okk"
" Courtesy the long hair,I had a nasty fall yesterday, but then for my principles' sake, I would not use the 'boroline' or that 'fast pain relief' balm.You see, i ll handle all these hindrances with aplomb"Pamba said proudly
"And if thats not bad enough, that washerwoman of mine refused to use any other detergent than 'Rin', so i have fired her from her job"
"And Pamba,i know how lazy you are..so does that mean that you have been wearing the same dirty clothes"
"Hmm..well..Yes...atleast for the time being..."
"OMG"
"Arpit by the way, does this rascal endorse 'Itch Guard' too" Pamba sounded a bit cautious this time
"Hmm..i do not think so"
"Thank God, I am relieved"
"Pamba i am really sorry for you"
"No...u need not be..you better be sorry for Mr. Bachchan..We can do whatever we want to...this is what democracy means..Remember, what we did to Sachin Tendulkar..for a single failed chance, we questioned his diligent record, his commitment towards the nation and were more than happy to smear mud on his face, letting his hard earned reputation go to the dogs...So u better pray for Bachchan this time" he said a bit sternly
"But I think this time, Mr. Bachchan being Mr. Bachchan, he would have the last laugh.Wonder what would you people do if he starts endorsing under-garments as well"I said and put down the phone





Authors Note:The above post was an intended sarcasm( sidin style :) ) on the trend of hero worshiping prevalent these days. The fans are always on the extremes....either they regard their heroes as God/Goddesses or turn them into Devils overnight. An equally unresponsive behaviour is seen on the part of so called "heroes" who are so very involved in their materialistic pleasures that they pay no heed to their social and moral obligations.
Hope it wasn't too bad :) So pour in your feedback
And Pamba sorry for using your name :) :)